HIM: Generally, we think of our job as spreading good news, but sometimes the contrast between the life we’re describing and the life people are actually living can be depressing. I understand that feeling only too well. Sex was a source of frustration and disappointment in my 20 year marriage, and any time I heard even a hint of other couples enjoying a free and creative love life, I felt a pang of jealousy. Continue reading “A Letter From My Former Self”→
HER: While surfing Twitter, I came across a TED Talk by Michele Weiner-Davis. In her presentation, she talks about what happens when people’s sex drives are unequally matched. She seemed to so perfectly describe your previous situation in her video ‘The Sex-Starved Marriage’. Continue reading “The Sex-Starved Marriage”→
HER: We had a party at our house recently where, in a haze of whisky-laced apple cider and white wine, I told my siblings that we had tried sex clubs and vacationed at Hedonism. They all had the same conservative, mid-western upbringing I did, but, like me, they’re all very sexual and pretty liberal in their views. At least that’s what I told myself as these secrets came tumbling out and their mouths dropped further open. They wouldn’t judge me, would they? When I woke up the next morning, though, tired and hung-over, I felt a sharp pang of regret that I had opened my stupid mouth. What if they told my parents or my daughters? What if they knew people I worked with and told them? We all know how tempting juicy bits of gossip are. UGH! Continue reading “Keeping Secrets”→
HER: Before our last trip to Jamaica, I went for a session of laser hair removal. It was a thoughtful Christmas gift from you. You knew I hated the red bikini bumps, and the last time I had a bikini wax, it was so painful I swore I’d never do it again. Lasers, you thought, were a painless alternative. Let me correct that misconception before our readers run out to sign up. It hurt like a bitch.
HER: One of the many things we love about our ‘lifestyle’ vacations is the opportunity to people watch. This is something we enjoy everywhere we go, but it takes on a new dimension when everyone is naked. While I like to look at both sexes, the men are especially interesting. Out on the beach, flaccid in the full light of day, you get to witness the full gamut of cock sizes and shapes. The variety is astounding.
HIM: Ok, for starters – I hate the term ‘lifestyle’. It seems like a terribly one-dimensional way to label the complexity of a person’s choices. Just think about the inane associations conjured by the words suburban lifestyle or active lifestyle. But this is especially true of what was once referred to as swinging but is now simply know as ‘the lifestyle’. For better or worse, it has become a catch-all term for people with a wide variety of interests: swapping, orgies, threesomes, cuckolding, exhibitionism, bondage and domination, etc. About the only thing that unites these people is discontentment with the sexual status quo and a willingness to push the generally accepted boundaries. So, for lack of an alternative, I’m calling this whole mash-up ‘the lifestyle’ under protest. Just so you know.
As with any subculture, people in the lifestyle often feel isolated by their preferences and inevitably look for opportunities to be with like-minded individuals. Sex clubs or parties are one way to do that, but nothing is as immersive as the 24 hour a day lifestyle vacation.
HER: There’s been a lot of talk lately about ‘The Quantified Life.’ I’ve heard a radio show and a TED talk about it just this week. There are apps to track your steps, caloric intake, sleep patterns, running, good deeds … and your sex life!
HER: We’ve all heard the statistics that tell us half of marriages today end in divorce (the actual stats are 41% of first marriages, 60% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce). This is frightening if you are on the verge of marriage or reaching the age of 30: the average age Americans get divorced for the first time. It’s also hard this time of year if you’ve been through a divorce and are facing the holidays alone. I’ve been there. But what people don’t often talk about is the upside of divorce.
HIM: Once we decided we wanted to try the club scene, finding out where to go was as easy googling the words ‘sex club’ along with the name of the nearest big city. It turned out we had a few options, so we decided to go with the one we had actually heard of.
Every club we’ve been to since follows the same format, but it was all new to us that first night.
HER: Within the first year of our relationship, we decided to try something we had both been curious about for a long time: the sex club scene. I had looked into a few local clubs in my twenties. My ex-husband and I had even set out one night to find the place, but we chickened out and turned around, which was probably the best thing given our circumstances. I had real body insecurity issues, and we were both feeling more than a little unsatisfied with our sex life. We talked about it as a way to experience sex with others (potentially) without it being an “affair”. Which is akin to saying we both really wanted to have an affair, but needed permission to do so. At some level, I think I knew those two things – my body issues and our desire for something we couldn’t provide for each other – were a recipe for disaster in this setting.